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Health & Fitness

Greetings from Your CEO, guess what? I'm on my yacht!

Greetings from Your CEO, guess what? I’m on my yacht!

In which the author imagines a missive from a CEO to the workers…

 Hi everybody, I guess you are enjoying your vacation as I am enjoying mine aboard my yacht The Seafarer.( I was visiting my money in the Cayman Islands and you know how hectic that can be)  I want to thank you for being the best workers and going the extra mile that led to our massive profits. You guys are the best!

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     But I feel the need to educate you masses on your erroneous perception regarding what you call “our lack of raise this year for the 5th straight”.  Nothing could be further from the truth. But first, I want you to know that our beloved Donna, who took dictation from me for 20 years has been replaced ( some say out-sourced but that has such a nasty edge to it, don’t you think?) by a new gal, Lakshmi, who works for 1/10 what Donna did ( and feeds twice as many kids!) in some god-forsaken country called Sri Lanka. She speaks good English and stuff so I hired her.  This is what I do out of consideration for you to keep our company afloat. Afloat! Get it? I’m on my yacht. Ok, well, you’re welcome and so forth.

     What many of you don’t realize is that inflation is so much lower than in any other economic downturn, recession or my personal favorite “crunch” ( like a candy bar!) that you don’t even need a raise. Even though the average CEO used to make 3x as much as the worker, and now makes 273 times as much, its all designed to keep the company going. I am also not ashamed to admit that yes, I DO work 273 times harder than any of you, so I encourage  you to  appreciate it. In these economic times it is good to just be grateful you have a job, unlike Donna.

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     Some of you have complained that your lunch hour was cut and there was no increase in pay. Hey, have you eaten in our employee cafeteria? ( I know I haven’t) Then you know I am just doing you a favor by reducing the amount of time you spend there. And some of you could stand to lose a few pounds, so again, you’re welcome.

     My proctologist actually had to extricate some of your suggestions to me (only kidding!) especially about what you call “ taking away our sick time”.  Most of you will not be needing so many sick days since you will be spending less time in our cafeteria. Ha! Ha! (I’m killing myself here). You know what? The more sick time we offer, the more you people use, so that’s just not cost effective. In keeping with our policy of generosity we are providing surgical masks and Purell so you can work even when you claim you are “sick”.

     Quite a few of you have pointed out some propaganda that you must have got from that nut job Michael Moore or somebody about how corporate profits are up but we are not investing or creating new jobs.  Why should we invest our money when we have the government stimulus thingy doing it for us? The taxpayers pay into it, and we get the profits. It is a thing of beauty, like my yacht.

     O.K. everybody, just keeping in touch, as you know I am a hands- on kind of guy so I am going  to make sure Lakshmi cleans this up and makes it all politically correct and you know, compassionate, before she sends it. You know I got Magdalena in the Phillipines to take her job if she doesn’t work out, she costs even less!

Have a great summer, from

Your CEO (and captain!), Winthrop Barrington-Whitley IV

P.S.  A $5 reward is being offered to anyone who can tell me who painted over the name on The Seafarer. It now reads:  Corporate Welfare. I don’t get it.


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